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If you can order dinner, plane tickets, new clothes, and make a doctor’s appointment through an app, why can’t you order up some love?
Uhh, it might be the app you’re using.
While Bumble, Tinder, Grindr, eHarmony, and Zoosk offer legit ways to find that special someone (or date for the night) using your smartphone, you may want to avoid the 8 absolute worst apps for finding love.
1. Will You Marry Me?
So, will you? I’m down on bended knee. C’mon. Just say “yes.” I’ve even got you a ring and everything.
Why this app is ridiculously bad: Aside from being the cheesiest proposal idea I’ve ever seen, you can’t say “No.” The “NO” button literally jumps around the screen and you’re forced to say “Yes.”
Why this app won’t find you a spouse: try it, find out for yourself. Stake your next marriage proposal on it—I dare you.
2. Align
Ah, I knew we were soulmates when I found out that he was Sagittarius—the stars’ empty gaze dictated that we’d have an amazing life together, and all because of Align.
Why this app is ridiculously bad: you cannot stake your romantic life on the stars. There are too many factors to consider when it comes to a meaningful relationship.
Why this app won’t find your star-aligned lover: considering the low member count of this app, you’re likely to find someone floating in space before catching a match nearby on Align.
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3. Love Finger Scan
I need to verify your identity before I can commit to loving you.
Why this app is ridiculously bad: It scans your fingerprint and tells you if you and your lover are compatible. How? Nonsense. Maybe, at best, it would replace an old time arcade game or something.
Why this app is useless: it is not backed by any scientific or physical properties that could ever possibly determine if you and another are well-matched based on a fingerprint.
4. High There
If love’s anything like a Craigslist ad, the first thing I gotta know is “Are you 420 friendly, baby?”
Why this app ain’t dank: the creators of this app were obviously high when they thought a cannabis-culture focused dating app would work.
Why this app will never find you your weed-loving bae: Again, considering the cannabis community is a lot smaller than, say the entire human population, it singles out a very small amount of users. Therefore, the chances of your meeting the pot-smoking prince or princess of your dreams is very slim.
5. i love u
Keep your friends close, and your Enemies closer. Can u tell the difference between love and flames?
Why you couldn’t ever love this app: from the weird graphics to its general level of usefulness, i love u makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Okay, I’m going to type in our names… it’ll give me an accurate reading of our compatibility.
Why this app doesn’t work: it doesn’t actually do anything but solicit ads. It’s good for one thing: a laugh.
6. 3nder
For the users who don’t want to just swipe left and right, but also up and down, east, west, north, and south. For those looking for anyone and everyone. All the sexual preferences, none of them, or a few of them.
Why this app fails: the vague and simultaneously complicated user interface and general premise is completely alienating. I’m not really sure if I’m trying to find a unicorn, a menage trois partner, or a platonic friend. What does this app actually help me find again?
Why you’ll never find your unique brand of romance with this app: the founders really gotta get back to the drawing board. There’s a lot going on here, and none of it spells romance or a great date.
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7. Crush Detector
If you can’t tell what you like in your romantic partner, don’t worry. This app will figure it out for you with absolutely zero consideration of anything other than what your face looks like.
Why this app will never detect your crush: you cannot determine romantic success with a photograph.
Why you’ll never find love with Crush Detect: See above.
8. Perfect Couple
Love Finger Scan was so successful at determining my soulmate, I thought I’d cross-check its accuracy with Perfect Couple… just to make sure.
Why this app is horrible: Again, finger scanning cannot determine compatibility.
Why you’ll never be a perfect couple with this app: well, it might say that your fingerprints equal a perfect couple, but the reality is that this technology is totally bogus.
